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into his eyes 10 july 1986 my first samadhi
29 july 1986 bhagwan back in bombay
just nineteen days after my samadhi
i knew he would come
when miracles happen…they all happen together
the american ordeal
the calamity and criminal destruction of the commune
the seventeen countries world tour and the stupid and absurd
denials of his visas…his deportations…sannyasins were in a disarray
bhagwan himself is the least affected
i could understand him inwardly seeing it as sharpening of our swords
strengthening our sannyasins resolve to move in
sometimes shock can be used as a ladder to climb and
make one alert
a zen master uses all and every situation
as a device for creating awareness…alertness
he was only concerned about the effect it would have
on his people
they needed some good news…a new space to move into…to gather again
he was seeing my arrival to soon become a new source of inspiration
to create a new momentum and fire in his people
an ordinary man…just ninety days…hara kiri method…arrives home
i go to the ashram to get the daily news of his
arrival
ashram residents are given special passes to see him in sumila centre
bombay and arrangements are made for a private bus to take them all
there
i make a request for a pass and the bus ride along with them
i had been in poona ashram for four months already but am denied a pass
i am already on their list of unwantables
am told they would not allow people like me to even get to see bhagwan
that i was cuckoo and could be a physical threat to him
that they were screening those who would be allowed into sumila
they had informed swami manu and swami tathagat in sumila about me
i was flabbergasted…why were they all doing this to me
i was silent and secret about my samadhi
a nightmare had begun for me
they were trying to bar me from seeing bhagwan
i leave for bombay in a taxi and go to sumila
throngs of sannyasins have reached there
no one there knows me…just the poona sannyasins
so i decide to maintain a very low profile and try to manage a pass
people are made to line up and stand near the gate of
sumila
and i eagerly line up four hours ahead
i am the third person in the line standing near the gate
now i am to go deep inside and become still and wait
for me this is the living lao tzu gate
i want to be absolutely still and carry only my deepest stillness into
the hall
this is my dreamt first meeting
i must be totally still
in my deepest moments for the first look
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