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i cannot sleep all night
have found the only simple and cheap guest house nearby
just a mattress with a mosquito net in an open corridor of a guest house
many people sleeping in tiny rooms
there is no other place as all is full and i do not have much money
just enough to be here for around ten days or so and take my sannyas
i must make the little money i have last for a month if possible
i must get sannyas from bhagwan first
see his eyes…get near and close to him immediately
bow and touch his feet

i simply cannot sleep…the air is so full of aliveness
this is a whole new universe and so much to absorb
i am bombarded by the newness in every direction
it is coming from everywhere and surrounding me like a magical mist
i am breathless…how do these people manage to breathe near him
i am simply in a state of happiness shock

i arrive at the gateless gate
finally…and become absolutely still
this is the gate of my masters temple
i become absolutely still and bow deeply to the ground
i have unspeakable tears of joy
gratefulness just to be here

i am met by guards asking me why i have come what i want
ridiculous is what i feel…what do i want…how absurd
i want to take sannyas and live here for the rest of my life

i remain silent as i am overwhelmed by everything
i become tongue tied and all the words seem to have left my speech
i look dumb and completely white and stoned and mumble that i have
come to become a sannyasin

they ask me my name
i again find it difficult to speak and babble out rajnish
they laugh and look at me in a curious way as if i am cuckoo
really is your name rajnish they say and laugh again and again
asking me for some proof of identity
i had none as i did not bring anything with me i say
but try and explain that my name is rajnish as my father gave me that name
they keep me waiting for an hour outside and finally seeing me wait silently
ask me to go inside with a guard to krishna house and meet someone who
would decide if i could come in or not

i walk through the gate…but the ground has disappeared
i am floating two feet above the earth…simply gliding on wings
many people look at me curiously…and as to the way i was walking
suddenly i realise that i have never walked this way…something has taken
over me and i am in some new current that is beyond my control
too blissed out to think i keep walking slowly towards krishna house

i am made to sit for half an hour…and see a woman with an orange cloth
tied on her head sitting with others coming in and out in front of her
i remember her face from magazines…so this is laxmi
i am asked inside to her office…i feel like touching her feet
these are the divine goddesses of bhagwan…the blessed people

she quietly asks me my name and i repeat like a dumbfounded kid rajnish
she looks at me and consults another sannyasin woman at her side and
again asks me my name and who i am
i repeat my name and tell her that my father gave me that name
she asks my family name…and i say that i have dropped using my fathers
name as i have left my house

i could not imagine that all this would sound silly and cuckoo to them
as i was just being myself and innocently answering the facts as they were
she found me funny and smiled and asked me what i wanted to do here
i was waiting for her to allow me to talk and i said that i would like to touch
her feet and pleaded to her to kindly allow me to get my mala and sannyas
from bhagwan as soon as possible
i had come to be a sannyasin and spend my life here in any way possible
she seemed to be a compassionate woman and smiled warmly and said
that bhagwan had gone into silence a day before
that i needed to do dynamic and kundalini meditations for one month
she would see my progress in that month and then i would get my sannyas