| fathomless zero dive
i came back to india with a heavy heart
focused with the task ahead
full of fire…full of rebellion and determined to take my inner revenge
channel my anger…burn inside…be totally consumed
i could do it…enlightenment was my nature
just a total and sincere effort
i knew i knew the how…now was the time…just die
I do not know where to begin my inner dive
i think it will be the himalayan mountains
perhaps in a retreat in pokra nepal
i go to my friend tripsout travel harish buddhraj
and start talking about what happened to bhagwan and the commune
that i was going to start deep meditations
and was looking for a suitable place in the mountains
and to get me a ticket for kathmandu
strangely he suggested i go to the poona ashram…i was
surprised as
i had heard the ashram was closed after bhagwan left for america
he pointed out and gave me the latest rajneesh times lying next to him
saying his friend sardar gurudayal singh always sent him a copy
the poona ashram was open with twenty sannyasins living there…perfect
just what i was looking for…a quiet place with all meditations happening
a one way ticket for poona please harish
i was like a person on death row
absolutely resolute that i was on a mission
i wanted to be total and focused…no idle friendships…no talking to
anyone
just there to meditate and absolutely nothing else…full stop
i leave behind all my possessions…have only one orange
robe stitched
completely plain…buttonless…straight and simple
a pair of bata chappals
and take the newspaper photo of bhagwan chained and handcuffed
my own handmade mala…his feet
i want to have no distractions whatsoever
be simple and live simple and focused…no more postponement
i must reach enlightenment…do or die
i again arrive at the poona ashram gateless gate
and become absolutely still…this is the gate to my masters temple
whenever i enter this beautiful wooden gate the air around me changes
the air is uplifting…i am transported into another world
the mystery school of bhagwan…his blessed buddhafield
the gateless gate…again i am asked who i am and why i have come
strange is this the way they always greet people…always suspicious
i am sent to meet the stern and hard swami swabhav
who immediately starts to lecture me and tell me that i must learn to
balance my life…zorba the buddha…asks how much money i have
to support myself…that this place is only for working people
that work is worship and was the only way i could be here
otherwise i was not allowed
i say that i have read over two hundred books of
bhagwan
i mentioned that i wanted to focus only on meditation and sit silently
and that i did not wish to work…and meditation was my only work
angry with me he felt i had no understanding of bhagwans wishes
that work was worship…that meditation without work was laziness
he was single pointed in his approach and fixed that i
was not welcome
i made it clear that i was financially able to manage my life
that i did not want nor asked for residence like the others
and that i would simply buy my monthly gate pass and pay for my food
come in to meditate…and leave in the night…live outside the ashram
this infuriated him as he felt that i was not to be dominated and
controlled
like other helpless indians depended on the support of the ashram
i tell him about coming to poona in 1981 when i could
not get the mala
from bhagwan nor the official sannyas
i am sad and with folded hands ask him to please give me sannyas
he becomes soft and smiles…he is happy that i have finally buckled
and somehow need his help
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