in all the books i have read
of bhagwan
there is so much in so many directions…where do i start
i have to find some sort of simple and easy starting point
which i could follow and use as a measure of my progress
i work it all out mentally
solid…liquid…gas…three stages towards enlightenment
first month shake and dissolve the solid foundation
second month flow with the river and become liquid
third month experience the subtle and drown into invisible and vaporise
simple…dont make it complicated…follow this method
watch the progress daily…and if nothing happens…intensify the method
i could never get up in the mornings…always 1 to 2 pm in the afternoon
this was ok i feel…i can compensate as i could meditate late into the
night
and am always awake till 3 am
clearly dynamic meditation was not on my list
and justifiable as my body is already very fragile
and i really do not have such a solid foundation to shake up anyway
so i do kundalini meditation seriously and totally everyday
i begin kundalini
shaking…so totally that the shaking actually happens on its own
the music moving the body in high rhythm…drenched in sweat
dance…i cannot move my feet
the upper torso waving like a tall bamboo…something pulls me upwards
sitting…my crown piercing with needles
crown pulled up with a strong force stretching my neck
lying down…dead still…i white out…no remembrance
just the dong of the bell…i am back
start my silent sittings
i soon realise that it is very difficult to sit still
not much mind really…just the body in severe pain and fidgety
unsettled and very painful
never ever sat cross legged before in my life…totally uncomfortable
i cannot even manage to sit still
every ten minutes i open my eyes…it is very difficult just sitting
time simply does not pass…even ten minutes is too long
the body aching and wanting to stand up and move about
how will i ever get to enlightenment this way
just how ridiculous and stupid i felt with my ninety day target
i open my eyes…the picture of bhagwan stares at me…him
in chains
i am furious again…i close my eyes angry with myself
i am just spineless and weak…cannot even sit
and angrily tell my body to shut up and get used to the pain
there is no other way…there is simply no choice
just ignore the pain…discipline myself…if one has to die then just die
a huge struggle and war over mind and body
each time losing
opening my eyes to see bhagwan in chains
unbearable to see this image
closing my eyes and continuing to dive in…in…in…in
twenty days or so…only kundalini meditation
then intensely sitting the rest of the day…start to clock the time i am
sitting
and soon one hour seems too short…then three hours…then six hours
perfect amount of sitting
now i begin to feel a certain control over my body
and feel some sort of achievement…a certain inner power
a will activated over the mind
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