Osho on Relationships and
Would you talk to us about our living partners -- our Wives,
husbands and lovers. When should we persevere with a partner,
and when Should we abandon a relationship as hopeless -- or even
Osho : Relationship is one of the mysteries. And because it
exists between two persons, it depends on both. Whenever two
persons meet, a new world is created. Just
by their meeting, a new phenomenon comes into existence -- which
was not before, which never existed before. And through that new
phenomenon, both persons are changed and transformed. Unrelated,
you are one thing; related, immediately you become something
else. A new thing has happened. A woman when she becomes a lover
is no longer the same woman.
A man when he becomes a father is no longer the same man. A
child is born, but we miss one point completely; the moment the
child is born, the mother is also born. This never existed
before. The woman existed, but the mother never. And a mother is
something absolutely new. Relationship is created by you, but
then, in its turn, relationship creates you. Two persons meet,
that means two worlds meet. It is not a simple thing but very
complex, the most complex.
Each person is a world unto himself or herself, a complex
mystery with a long past and an eternal future. In the beginning
only peripheries meet. But if the relationship grows intimate,
becomes closer, becomes deeper, then by and by centers start
meeting. When centers meet, it is called love. When peripheries
meet, it is acquaintance. You touch the person from the without,
just from the boundary, then it is acquaintance. Many times you
start calling your acquaintance your love. Then you are in a
fallacy. Acquaintance is not love.
Love is very rare. To meet a person at his center is to pass
through a revolution yourself, because if you want to meet a
person at his center, you will have to allow that person to
reach to your center also. You will have to become vulnerable,
absolutely vulnerable, open. It is risky. To allow somebody to
reach your center is risky, dangerous, because you never know
what that person will do to you. And once all your secrets are
your hiddenness has become unhidden, once you are exposed
completely, what that other person will do, you never know. The
fear is there. That's why we never open.
Just acquaintance, and we think that love has happened.
Peripheries meet, and we think we have met. You are not your
periphery. Really, the periphery is the boundary where you end,
just the fencing around you. It is not you! The periphery is the
place where you end and the world begins. Even husbands and
wives who may have lived together for many years may be just
acquaintances. They may not have known each other. And the more
you live with someone, the more you forget completely that the
centers have remained unknown.
So the first thing to be understood is:
don't take acquaintance as love. You may be making love,
you may be sexually related, but sex is also peripheral. Unless
centers meet, sex is just a meeting of two bodies. And a meeting
of two bodies is not your meeting. Sex also remains acquaintance
--physical, bodily, but still acquaintance. You can allow
somebody to enter to your center only when you are not afraid,
when you are not fearful. So I say to you that there are two
types of living. One: fear-oriented; one: love-oriented.
Fear-oriented living can never lead you into deep relationship.
You remain afraid, and the other cannot be allowed, cannot be
allowed to penetrate you to your very core. To an extent you
allow the other and then the wall comes and everything stops.
The love-oriented person is the religious person. The
love-oriented person means one who is not afraid of the future,
one who is not afraid of the result and the consequence, who
lives here and now. Don't be bothered about the result. That is
the fear-oriented mind. Don't think about what will happen out
Just be here, and act totally. Don't calculate. A fear-oriented
man is always calculating, planning, arranging, safeguarding.
His whole life is lost in this way.
I have heard about an old Zen monk. He was on his deathbed. The
last day had come, and he declared that that evening he would be
no more. So followers, disciples, friends started coming. He had
many lovers. They all started coming. From far and wide people
gathered. One of his old disciples, when he heard that the
master was going to die, ran to the market.
Somebody asked: The master is dying in his hut, why are you
going to the market?
The old disciple said: I know that my master loves a particular
type of cake, so Iam going to purchase the cake.
It was difficult to find the cake, because now it had gone out
of fashion, but by the evening somehow he managed. He came
running with the cake. And everybody was worried -- it was as if
the master was waiting for someone. He would open his eyes and
look, and close his eyes again.
And when this disciple came, he said: Okay, so you have come.
Where is the cake? The disciple produced the cake -- and he was
very happy that the master asked about the cake. Dying, the
master took the cake in his hand, but his hand was not
trembling. He was very old, but his hand was not trembling.
So somebody asked: You are so old and just on the verge of
dying. The last breath is soon to leave you, but your hand is
The master said: I never tremble, because there is no fear. My
body has become old, but I am still young, and I will remain
young even when the body is gone. Then he took a bite, started
munching the cake. And then somebody asked: What is your last
message, Master? You will be leaving us soon. What do you want
us to remember?
The master smiled and said: Ah, this cake is delicious.
This is a man who lives in the here and now: This cake is
delicious. Even death is irrelevant. The next moment is
meaningless. THIS moment this cake is delicious. If you can be
in this moment, this present moment, this presentness, the
plenitude, then only can you love.
Love is a rare flowering. It happens only sometimes. Millions
and millions of people live in the false attitude that they are
lovers. They believe that they love, but that is their belief
only. Love is a rare flowering. Sometimes it happens. It is rare
because it can happen only when there is no fear, never before.
That means love can happen only to a very deeply spiritual,
religious person. Sex is possible for all. Acquaintance is
possible for all. Not
love. When you are not afraid, then there is nothing to hide,
then you can be open, then you can withdraw all boundaries. And
then you can invite the other to penetrate you to the very core.
And remember, if you allow somebody to
penetrate you deeply, the other will allow you to penetrate into
himself or herself, because when you allow somebody to penetrate
you, trust is created. When you are not afraid, the other
becomes fearless. In your love, fear is always there. The
husband is afraid of the wife, the wife is afraid of
the husband. Lovers are always afraid. Then it is not love. Then
it is just an arrangement of two fearful persons depending on
each other, fighting, exploiting, manipulating, controlling,
dominating, possessing -- but it is not love.
If you can allow love to happen, there is no need for prayer,
there is no need for meditation, there is no need for any
church, any temple. You can completely forget God if you can
love -- because through love, everything will have happened to
you: meditation, prayer, God. EVERYTHING will have happened to
you. That's what Jesus
means when he says: Love is God. But love is difficult. Fear has
to be dropped. And this is the strange thing, that you are so
afraid and you have nothing to lose.
Kabir has said somewhere: I look into people. They are so much
afraid, but I can't see why -- because they have nothing to
lose. Says Kabir: They are like a person who is naked, but never
goes to take a bath in the river because he is afraid -- where
will he dry his clothes? This is the situation you are in --
naked, with no clothes, but always afraid about the clothes.
What have you got to lose? Nothing. This body will be taken by
death. Before it is taken
by death, give it to love. Whatsoever you have will be taken
Before it is taken away, why not share it? That is the Only way
of possessing it. If you can share and give, you are the master.
It is going to be taken away. There is nothing which you can
retain forever. Death will destroy everything. So, if you follow
me rightly, the struggle is between death and love. If you can
give, there will be no death. Before anything can be taken away
from you, you will have already given it, you will have made it
a gift. There can be no death. For a lover there is no death.
For a non-lover, every moment is a death, because every moment
something is being snatched away from him. The body is
disappearing, he is losing every moment. And then there will be
death, and everything will be annihilated. What is the fear? Why
are you so afraid? Even if everything is known about you and you
are an open book, why fear? How can it harm you? Just false
conceptions, just conditionings given by the society, that you
have to hide, that you have to protect yourself, that you have
to be constantly in a fighting mood, that everybody is an enemy,
that everybody is against you.
Nobody is against you! Even if you feel somebody is against you,
he too is not against you -- because everybody is concerned with
himself, not with you. There is nothing to fear. This has to be
realized before a real relationship can happen. There is nothing
to fear. Meditate on it. And then allow the other to enter you,
invite the other to enter you. Don't create any barrier
anywhere, become a passage always open, no locks, no doors on
you, no closed doors on you. Then love is possible.
When two centers meet, there is love.
And love is an alchemical phenomenon -- just like hydrogen and
oxygen meet and a new thing, water, is created. You can have
hydrogen, you can have oxygen, but if you are thirsty, they will
be useless. You can have as much oxygen as you want, as much
hydrogen as you like, but the thirst will not go.
When two centers meet a new thing is created. That new thing is
love. And it is just like water, the thirst of many, many lives
is satisfied. Suddenly you become content. That is the visible
sign of love; you become content, as if you have achieved
everything. There is nothing to achieve now; You have reached
There is no further goal, destiny is fulfilled. The seed has
become a flower, has come to its total flowering. Deep
contentment is the visible sign of love. Whenever a person is in
love, he is in deep contentment. Love cannot be seen, but
contentment, the deep satisfaction around him...his every
breath, his every movement, his very being -- content. You may
be surprised when I say to you that love makes you desireless,
but desire is with discontent. You desire because you don't
have. You desire because you think if you have something it will
give you contentment.
Desire is out of discontent. When there is love and two centers
have met and dissolved and merged, and a new
alchemical quality is born, contentment is there. It is as if
the whole existence has stopped -- no movement.
Then the present moment is the only moment. And then you can
say: Ah, this cake is delicious. Even death doesn't mean
anything to a man who is in love. So I say to you, love will
make you desireless. Be fearless, drop fears, be open. Allow
some center to meet the center within you. you will be reborn
through it, a new quality of being will be created.
This quality of being says: This is god. God is not an argument,
it is a fulfillment, a feeling of fulfillment. You may have
observed that whenever you are discontent, you want to deny God.
Whenever you are dissatisfied, your whole being wants to say:
There is no God. Atheism is not out of logic, it is out of
discontent. You may rationalize it -- that's another thing. You
may not say you are an atheist because you are discontent. You
There is no God and I have got proofs. But that is not the true
If you are satisfied, suddenly your whole being says: THERE is
god. Suddenly you feel it! The whole existence becomes divine.
If love is there you will be really for the first time in the
feeling that existence is divine and everything is a blessing.
But much has to be done before this can happen. Much has to be
destroyed before this can happen. You have to destroy all that
creates barriers in you.
Make love a SADHANA, an inner discipline.
Don't allow it just to be a frivolous thing. Don't allow it just
to be an occupation of the mind. Don't allow it just to be a
bodily satisfaction. Make it an inner search, and take the other
as a help, as a friend. If you have heard anything about Tantra,
you will know that Tantra says: If you can find a consort, a
friend, a woman or a man, who is ready to move with you towards
the inner center, who is ready to move with you to the highest
peak of relationship, then this relationship will become
Then through this relationship you will achieve the ultimate
relationship. Then the other becomes just a door.
Let me explain it: if you love a person, by and by first the
periphery of the person disappears, the form of the person
disappears. You come more and more in contact with the formless,
the inner. The form becomes, by and by, vague and disappears.
And if you go deeper, then even this formless individual starts
disappearing and melting. Then the beyond opens. Then that
particular individual was just a door, an opening.
And through your lover, you find the divine. Because we cannot
love, we need so many religious rituals. They are substitutes,
and very poor substitutes. A Meera needs no temple to go to. The
whole existence is her temple. She can dance before a tree and
the tree becomes Krishna. She can sing before a bird and the
bird becomes Krishna. She creates her Krishna around her
everywhere. Her love is such that wherever she looks the door
opens and the Krishna is revealed, the beloved is revealed.
But the first glimpse will always come through an individual. It
is difficult to be in contact with the universal. It is so big,
so vast, so beginningless, endless. From where to start? From
where to move into it? The individual is the door. Fall in love.
And don't make it a struggle. Make it a deep allowance for the
other, just an invitation. And allow the other to penetrate you
without any conditions. And suddenly the other disappears and
God is there. If your lover or beloved cannot become divine,
then nothing in this world can become divine. Then all your
religious talk is just nonsense. This can happen with a child.
This can happen with an animal, your dog.
If you can be in deep relationship with a
dog, it can happen -- the dog becomes divine! So it is
not a question of man and woman only. That is one of the deepest
sources of the divine and it reaches you naturally, but it can
happen from anywhere. The basic key is this: you should allow
the other to penetrate you to your very deepest core, to the
very ground of your being. But we go on deceiving ourselves. We
think we love. And if you think that you love, then there is no
possibility for love to happen -- because if this is love, then
everything is closed.
Make fresh efforts. Try to find in the other the real being that
is hidden. Don't take anybody for granted. Every individual is
such a mystery that if you go on and on into him it is endless.
But we get bored with the other -- because just the periphery,
and always the periphery. I was reading a story: A man was very
ill and he tried all types of "pathies," but nothing would help.
Then he went to a hypnotist and the hypnotist gave him a mantra,
to repeat continuously: I am not ill.
For at least fifteen minutes in the morning and fifteen minutes
at night: I am not ill, I am healthy. And the whole day,
whenever you remember, repeat it. Within a few days he started
getting better. And within weeks he was absolutely okay. Then he
told his wife: This has been a miracle! Should I go to this
hypnotist for another miracle also? Because lately I am feeling
no sexual appetite and the sexual relationship has almost
stopped. There is no desire.
The wife was happy. She said: You go -- because she was feeling
The man went to the hypnotist. He came back, his wife asked:
What mantra, what suggestion now has he given? The man wouldn't
tell her. But within weeks his sexual appetite started
returning. He started feeling desire again. So the wife was very
She continuously persisted in asking, but the man would laugh
and would not say anything. So one day she tried, when he was in
the bathroom in the morning doing his meditation, that
fifteen-minute mantra, she tried to hear what he was saying. And
he was saying: She is not my wife. She is not my wife. She is
not my wife.
We take persons for granted. Somebody is your wife --
relationship is finished. Somebody is your husband --
relationship is finished. Now there is no adventure, the other
has become a thing, a commodity. The other is not now a mystery
to be searched the other is no longer new.
Remember, everything goes dead with age.
The periphery is always old, and the center is always new. The
periphery cannot remain new, because every moment it is getting
old, stale. The center is always fresh and young. Your soul is
neither a child, nor a young man, nor an old man. Your soul is
simply eternally fresh. It has no age.
You can experiment with it: you may be young, you may be old,
just close your eyes and find out. Try to feel how your center
is -- old? young? You will feel that the center is neither.
It is always new, it never gets old. Why? Because the center
doesn't belong to time. In the process of time, everything
becomes old. A man is born -- the body has started becoming old
already! When we say that a child is one week old, it means one
week of oldness has penetrated into the child. The child has
already passed seven days towards death, he has completed seven
days of dying. He is moving towards death -- sooner or later he
will be dead. Whatsoever comes in time becomes old. The moment
it enters time, it is already becoming old.
Your body is old, your periphery is old. You cannot be eternally
in love with it. But your center is always fresh, it is
eternally young. Once you are in contact with it, love is an
every-moment discovery. And then the honeymoon never ends. If it
ends it was not a honeymoon at all -- it was just an
acquaintance. And the last thing to remember is: in the
relationship of love you always blame the other if something
goes wrong. If something is not happening as it should, the
other is responsible. This will destroy the whole possibility of
Remember: you are always responsible, and change yourself. Drop
those qualities which create trouble. Make love a
self-transformation. As they say in salesmen's courses: The
customer is always right. I would like to say to you: In the
world of relationship and love, you are always in the wrong, the
other is always right. And this is how lovers always feel. If
there is love, they always feel: Something is wrong with me if
things are not happening as they should. And both feel the same
way! Then things grow, then centers open, then boundaries merge.
But if you think that the other is wrong, you are closing
yourself and the other. And the other also thinks that you are
wrong. Thoughts are infectious. If you think the other is wrong
even if you have not said it, even if you are smiling and
showing that you don't think the other is wrong -- the other has
got the point -- through your eyes, through your gestures,
through your face. Even if you are an actor, a great actor, and
you can just arrange your face, your gestures as you like, then
too the unconscious is continuously sending signals: You are
And when you say that the other is wrong, the other starts
feeling that you are wrong. Relationship is destroyed on this
rock, and then people become closed. If you say somebody is
wrong, somebody starts protecting, safeguarding. Then closure
Remember always: in love, you are always
wrong. And then the possibility will open and the other
will also feel the same. We create the feeling in the other.
When lovers are close, immediately thoughts go jumping from one
to the other. Even if they are not saying anything, they are
silent, they communicate. Language is for non-lovers, those who
are not in love. For lovers, silence is enough language. Without
saying anything, they go on speaking. If you take love as
sadhana, then don't say the other is wrong.
Just try to find out: somewhere, something must be wrong in you,
and drop that wrongness. It is going to be difficult because it
is going to be against the ego. It is going to be difficult
because it will hurt your pride. It is going to be difficult
because this will not be dominating, possessing. You will not be
more powerful through possessing the other. This will destroy
your ego -- that's why it is going to be difficult.
But destruction of the ego is the point, the goal. From wherever
you like to approach the inner world -- from love, from
meditation, from yoga, from prayer -- whatsoever the path you
choose, the goal is the same: the destruction of the ego,
throwing the ego away. Through love it can be done very easily.
And it is so natural! Love is the natural religion.
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