Osho on Marriage - Marriage
should be transcended
Question - Why do you appear to put down Marriage and
yet tell people to get Married?
Osho - This is from
Anurag. To me, marriage is a dead thing. It is an institution, and you
cannot live in an institution; only mad people live in institutions. It
is a substitute for love. Love is dangerous: to be in love is to be in a
storm, constantly. You need courage and you need awareness, and you are
to be ready for anything. There is no security in love; love is
insecure. Marriage is a security: the registry office, the police, the
court are behind it. The state, the society, the religion -- they are
all behind it. Marriage is a social phenomenon. Love is individual,
Because love is dangerous, insecure.... And nobody knows where love will
lead. It is just like a cloud -- moving with no destination. Love is a
hidden cloud, whereabouts unknown. Nobody knows where it is at any
moment of time. Unpredictable -- no astrologer can predict anything
about love. About marriage? -- astrologers are very, very helpful; they
Man has to create marriage because man is afraid of the unknown. On all
levels of life and existence, man has created substitutes: for love
there is marriage; for real religion there are sects -- they are like
marriages. Hinduism, Mohammedanism, Christianity, Jainism -- they are
not real religion. Real religion has no name; it is like love. But
because love is dangerous and you are so afraid of the future, you would
like to have some security. You believe more in insurance companies than
in life. That's why you have created marriage.
Marriage is more permanent than love. Love may be eternal, but it is not
permanent. It may continue forever and forever, but there is no inner
necessity for it to continue. It is like a flower: bloomed in the
morning, by the evening gone. It is not like the rock. Marriage is more
permanent; you can rely on it. In old age it will be helpful.
It is a way to avoid difficulties, but whenever you avoid difficulties
and challenges you have avoided growth also. Married people never grow.
Lovers grow, because they have to meet the challenge every moment -- and
with no security. They have to create an inner phenomenon. With security
you need not bother to create anything; the society helps. Marriage is a
formality, a legal bondage. Love is of the heart; marriage is of the
mind. That's why I am never in favor of marriage.
But the question is
pertinent, relevant, because sometimes I tell people to get married.
Marriage is a hell, but sometimes people need it. What to do? So
I have to tell them to get into marriage. They need to pass through the
hell of it, and they cannot understand the hell of it unless they pass
through it. I am not saying that in marriage love cannot grow; it can
grow, but there is no necessity for it. I am not saying that in love
marriage cannot grow; it can grow, but there is no necessity, no logical
necessity in it.
Love can become marriage, but then it is a totally different kind of
marriage: it is not a social formality, it is not an institution, it is
not a bondage. When love becomes marriage it means two individuals
decide to live together -- but in absolute freedom, nonpossessive of
each other. Love is nonpossessive; it gives freedom.
When love grows into marriage, marriage is not an ordinary thing. It is
absolutely extraordinary. It has nothing to do with the registry office.
You may need the registry office also, the social sanction may be
needed, but those are just on the periphery; they are not the central
core of it. In the center is the heart, in the center is freedom.
And sometimes out of marriage also love can grow, but it rarely happens.
Out of marriage love rarely happens. At the most, familiarity. At the
most, a certain kind of sympathy, not love. Love is passionate; sympathy
is dull. Love is alive; sympathy is just so-so, lukewarm.
But why do I tell people to get married? When I see that they are after
security, when I see that they are after social sanction, when I see
they are afraid, when I see that they cannot move into love if
marriage is not there, then I tell them to go into it -- but I will go
on helping them to go beyond it. I will go on helping them to transcend
Marriage should be transcended; only then real marriage happens.
Marriage should be forgotten completely. In fact the other person you
have been in love with should always remain a stranger and never should
be taken for granted. When two persons live as strangers, there is a
beauty to it, a very simple, innocent beauty to it. And when you live
with somebody as a stranger....
And everybody is a stranger. You cannot know a person. Knowledge is very
superficial; a person is very profound. A person is an infinite mystery.
That's why we say everybody carries a god within. How can you know a
god? At the most you can touch the periphery. And the more you know
about a person, the more humble you will become -- the more you will
feel that the mystery is untouched. In fact the mystery becomes more and
more deep. The more you know, the less you feel that you know.
If lovers are really in love, they will never reduce the other person to
a known entity; because only things can be known -- persons never. Only
things can become part of knowledge. A person is a mystery -- the
greatest mystery there is.
Transcend marriage. It is not a
question of legality, formality, family -- all that nonsense.
Needed, because you live in a society, but transcend; don't be finished
at that. And don't try to possess a person. Don't start feeling that the
other is the husband -- you have reduced the beauty of the person into
an ugly thing: husband. Never say that this woman is your wife -- the
stranger is no longer there; you have reduced it to a very profane
level, to a very ordinary level of things. Wives and husbands belong to
the world. Lovers belong to the other shore.
Remember the sacredness and holiness of the other. Never impinge on it;
never trespass it. A lover is always hesitant. He always gives you space
to be yourself. He is grateful; he never feels that you are his
possession. He is thankful that sometimes in rare moments you allow him
your innermost shrine to enter and to be with you. He is always
But husbands and wives are always complaining, never thankful -- always
fighting. And if you watch their fight it is ugly. The whole beauty of
love disappears. Only a very ordinary reality exists: the wife, the
husband, the children, and the day-to-day routine. The unknown no longer
touches it. That's why you will see dust gathers around -- a wife looks
dull, a husband looks dull. Life has lost meaning, vibrancy,
significance. It is no longer a poetry; it has become gross.
Love is poetry. Marriage is ordinary prose, good for ordinary
communication. If you are purchasing vegetables, good; but if you are
looking at the sky and talking to God, not enough -- poetry is needed.
Ordinary life is proselike. A religious life is poetrylike: a different
rhythm, a different meter, something of the unknown and the mysterious.
I am not in favor of marriage. Don't misunderstand me -- I am not saying
to live with people unmarried. Do whatsoever the society wants to be
done, but don't take it as the whole. That is just the periphery; go
beyond it. And I tell you to get married if I feel that this is what you
In fact if I feel that you need to go in hell I would allow you -- and
push you -- to go in hell, because that is what you need, and that is
how you will grow.
Source: from Osho Book "Yoga: The Alpha and the Omega, Vol 6"
Related Osho Article:
Osho on what is Love
Marriage and Friendship
discourse on Love - Am I in Love
Osho on Life in a marriage and its
Osho on importance of
Commitment in a Relationship
What is Jealousy and why does it Hurt so much
I very much doubt my wife. What should I do
Relationships and learn how to Relate
Relationship between Living Partners and Growth
Problems of Love - In my relationship I often
lose my Self
relating with people, Relationship is not relating
Osho - Cannot one ever find
a Perfect Partner in Marriage?
Osho on Men living
(love) with two women at the same time
Aloneness - We are born alone, we live alone, and we die alone
Osho on hell of
living with a woman and the hell of living without a woman
If love is destroyed in Marriage, how r we to Live if we wish to share
First come to terms with
one's Loneliness before entering into Relationship
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