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Osho on How to deal with Jealousy

Question: I have been living with a Man for a year who likes to be With other Women also, and I do not know how to handle my Jealousy.
Osho : It is always difficult for a woman unless she also starts loving people; otherwise it will remain difficult. He cannot be prevented, and to prevent him is ugly also. Then you are destroying his happiness, and if his happiness is destroyed, he will take revenge on you; he will not feel so loving. If you try to dominate him, to prevent him from going here and there, he will feel suffocated. The problem is that down the ages man has always lived that way. And woman has never lived that way -- for a few reasons.

Firstly: in the old days, the problem was the child -- if she gets pregnant then she will be in trouble -- so it was a question of security, finance, and everything. Secondly: man himself has been teaching woman to be pure, to be virgin, always to love one person. Man has been using a double standard: one standard for the woman another for himself. The woman has to be pure, devoted, surrendered. And man? They say 'Boys are boys.' Man has kept all freedom for himself. And he could manage to in the past because the finances were in his hands.

So financially he was powerful. He was educated, he had the job. The woman had no job, no education. Her whole world was confined to the house. She had no contacts outside the house, so it was almost impossible to fall in love. At least you need some contacts -- only then can you fall in love with somebody. And man has created big China Walls around the woman.... For centuries Mohammedans have not even allowed their women's faces to be seen by others. And the woman was not supposed to talk to any man. A long repression -- it has gone into the very bones.

Now things have changed. Now the woman is educated, she can have a job. She is as free as man. She can meet people, she can fall in love, she can enjoy life. The problem of pregnancy is irrelevant now; the pill has been one of the greatest freedoms. But the old mind persists, and it is not a small thing -- thousands and thousands of years' conditioning. Your mother and mother's mother and all the women that have preceded you, were all conditioned, and that conditioning has penetrated into you too.

So the problem will be there unless you become very conscious and drop it. Only two are the possibilities: one possibility is to go on nagging your friend, as women have been doing down the ages. That doesn't help; that simply makes the man feel more repulsed by the woman. The more you nag, the more you throw him into somebody else's embrace, because he becomes tired, bored with you, and he would like to go somewhere and meet somebody who will not nag; and it is a relief That is not going to help and that is destructive too.

The other thing is: become courageous, tell him that if he feels like that, then take note of it -- you will also move in the same way. There should not be double standards! If he enjoys loving other women then you will enjoy loving other men. You love him but you will love other people too. Just make it clear to him, and immediately if he is afraid, if he himself is a jealous type, either he will say 'I will stop' -- but then he is stopping on his own.... Or there is no need to be worried -- you start moving also. Nothing is wrong in it!

I am not saying that he is doing anything wrong. All that I am saying is: there should not be two standards, only one standard for both. And each couple has to decide on a single standard; that is the commitment. Either you both decide that you will remain only for each other, monogamous -- good, if you both decide willingly, happily, joyously.... If it is not possible -- one says 'I would like to keep my freedom' -- then you also keep your freedom! Why be miserable? The misery arises because he is having fun and you are just sitting there thinking of him.

You also have fun! And this is not a question which is personal only to you. This is going to be the question for every woman in the future. Gather courage! I will help you -- these groups and meditations will help you. Gather courage, and tell him before you start moving 'This is going to be the case -- don't feel jealous of me.' Because men are even more jealous; their male chauvinistic ego feels more hurt: 'My woman making love to somebody else?' They start feeling as if they are not man enough.

But then that is his problem. First make it clear that you are to follow a certain standard. When two persons decide to live together, then a certain rule of conduct has to be evolved. When you are alone there is no question of any rule of conduct. Just have a rule of the game, but it will be applicable to both the parties. So whatsoever decision comes... either he decides not to go with others -- it's okay -- or if he decides that he would still like his freedom, then you are freed. Then don't be cowardly; start moving! There are beautiful people; why be confined to one?

Each person can contribute something which nobody else can. Each person has such a uniqueness. Why not love many people and enrich your love? In fact this is not against the man you love. My own observation is that if you love many many people you will be loving your lover more also -- this is a simple arithmetic -- because you will become more skillful in love. You will have many aspects of love available to your knowing. You will become more enriched and ripe, mature. And this clinging to one person is a kind of immaturity. Why should one cling?

Love is beautiful and love is divine, and all are the forms of god, so why get obsessed with one form when the form is not obsessed with you? If both are obsessed with each other, it is okay. This is an old idea which is not scientifically true, that if the man goes and has a little affair with a woman sometimes, then his own woman will suffer; she will not get as much love as was hers. That is wrong. She will not suffer, she will get more.

And soon, seeing other women, meeting other women, again and again the realisation comes: 'What is the point? My own woman can give all this, and in a far more intimate way, with far more devotion, far more commitment. Why should I be moving like a beggar?' He will come home with a greater longing for you. In fact, modern psychology suggests that if the marriage is to continue, a few side affairs are always good and helpful to keep the marriage running. If there are no side affairs then the marriage becomes really a boring phenomenon.

It becomes so heavy -- the same man, the same woman, the same talk, the same love; everything sooner or later becomes a routine. Then the thrill is gone and all is repetitious, monotonous. Have a good talk with him and make it clear that if he is enjoying, then you are also free. And be free! Freedom needs a little courage, it needs guts, but you will enjoy it. And it is not going to disturb anything in your relationship; it will enhance it. You will stop nagging him. When you yourself start moving with people sometimes, you will stop nagging.

In fact that's why women don't move, because then the nagging will be pointless. And they enjoy nagging -- it gives them power. If they also move they cannot make the man feel guilty. And to make the man feel guilty gives immense power. But this is wrong. Never make anybody feel guilty. If you love the person, why make him feel guilty? If he likes it this way, let it be this way! You also have a few small love affairs. That will make both of you free from each other. And when love is free and is given out of freedom, it has a totally different quality to it.

It has something really beautiful in it. Then there is no conflict, no fight, no jealousy, nothing of the sort. There is a calm and quiet, silent, relationship. When you are also moving into a few new loves and he is moving into a few new loves, both a{e always in a kind of honeymoon; meeting together is always beautiful. Then things never become old and rotten. Just a little courage... and it will happen!

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Osho Discourse on Problems in Love
Osho - How to drop Judging People
What is Jealousy and why does it Hurt so much
Osho - why do you ask people to get Married
Authoritarian People are suffering from Inferiority Complex
I Ask myself: have I ever really been in Love? Am I even able To love
Osho on How to deal with Jealousy, Jealous of partner having fun outside marriage

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