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Jiddu Krishnamurti - Is marriage necessary for women

Questioner: Is marriage necessary for women?
Jiddu Krishnamurti: In marriage, sexual relationship, companionship, communion, love are implied. Without love, marriage becomes, for man or for woman, a source of gratification, of conflict, of fear and pain. Love comes into being only when the self is absent. Without love, relationship is sorrow, however physically exciting it might be; such relationship breeds contention and frustration, habit and routine.

Without love there can be no chastity, and sex becomes an all-consuming problem. Without love, the ideal of chastity is an escape from the conflict of desire, and without understanding craving, the ideal leads to illusion and pain. The licentious and the ideal both deny love. The pursuit of the ideal and indulgence give importance to craving, to the 'me', and when the 'me' is emphasized, love is not.

There are other problems involved in this question. One of them is fulfillment. The woman or the man seeks fulfillment in the child. When the woman is deprived of this, she is starved, as she is starved when there is no love. Men seek fulfillment, when deprived of love, either in things or in children or in activity, which are all distractions.

So things and action and children become all-important, leading to further confusion and further misery. Man also seeks to escape through fulfilling himself in activity, in distractions and addictions of every kind, from amusement to worship. So man and woman seek to fulfill them through things or property, through family or name, through ideas or beliefs, and so they become all-important, thus giving to them false or wrong importance, which causes inward and so outward conflict and misery.

Now, is there fulfillment? The craving to become can only lead to frustration, to conflict; in this becoming there is always fear and the conflict of its opposite. The craving for fulfillment, for continuity, is only when there is frustration. Being empty, there is a craving for fulfillment. Without understanding what is, which is emptiness, frustration, we pursue fulfillment, the covering up of what is. Only in understanding what is, which is the emptiness, the shallowness, the pettiness, can there be radical transformation.

This transformation is true revolution. But to merely pursue fulfillment is moral and social chaos. A man who is happy, creative, is not seeking fulfillment through property, through marriage, or through ideation; he is not escaping through passion nor is he seeking fulfillment. We cease to be creative, happy, when we are imitative or merely functioning according to the responses of memory.

The response of memory is generally considered thinking; such thinking is merely the response of the frame of reference. These responses are not right thinking. Right thinking comes into being only when there is no response to memory. In this passively alert awareness there is creative being. In this state, the life of becoming, with its fulfillment and conflict, fades away. This state is love. Because our hearts are dry, we fill them with the things of the mind, which give rise to multiple problems.

Love is not a thing to be learned; it comes into being when you, the problem, cease. Have you not found yourself to be happy without a conscious or unconscious cause? Then you are in communion with all nature and man. But unfortunately you are so occupied with your own thoughts and problems, envies and fears, that you are incommunicado; this isolating process prevents you from knowing your wife or your husband and child; you are sheltering behind a wall of your own making, and without breaking down these walls there can be no communion, no love. Without love, to become chaste, to become a celibate is unchaste. Where there is love there is chastity, there is incorruptibility.

Source - Jiddu Krishnamurti Eleventh Talk in Madras, 1947

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