Osho on Mother duty in Child Upbringing

Question : How can I fulfil my duty as a Mother?
Osho : Don't think of it as a duty. One tends to think of it as a duty sooner or later, and the day you think of it as a duty, something dies, something of immense value disappears; the relationship is broken. Think of it as a celebration. The child is a gift from god. Be respectful to the child... not just loving but respectful also. If there is not respect, then love becomes possessive; if there is respect, how can you possess? You cannot possess somebody you respect. the very idea is ugly, disrespectful.

To possess a person means to reduce the person to a thing. And once the child is your possession, you are burdened. then it is a duty to be fulfilled, and then mothers talk for their whole lives about how much they have done. A real mother will never say a single word about doing, and not only that she will not say: she never feels that she has done it. She has enjoyed it; she is obliged to the child. It is not only the birth of the child: simultaneously you are born in a new way, the mother is born.

One aspect is the birth of the child; another aspect is that your motherhood is born. The child has tremendously transformed you. He has given something to you; you are no more the same person. There is a great difference between, a woman and a mother. So just be loving, be respectful, and help him to grow in such a way that you don't hinder him. From this very moment, from the very beginning, one has to be alert about it. And remember not to repeat the same pattern that you have learned from your mother.

That is very natural because that's what you know about how a mother should be, and you will repeat your mother's behaviour with him, and that will be wrong. Be utterly new. Forget all that you have learned from your mother; don't follow that. Be utterly new, respond in a new way. Listen to his needs and respond with a few absolutely certain visions. One is: give love but never give a structure. Give love but never give a character. Give
love but freedom has to remain intact. Love should not be an interference with his freedom.

Nobody thinks of the freedom of such a small child, but then when will you think? Tomorrow again he will be small, the day after tomorrow.... In fact the mother never thinks the child is a grown-up person and is able to be free. Never. Because the distance between you and the child will always remain the same. If it is twenty years' distance, it is going to remain twenty years' distance. So from this very moment, from the very beginning, be respectful and give him freedom. And if sometimes he cries, there is no need to be too worried about it.

Let him cry a little bit on his own. There is no need to always rush and to always be on your toes to serve him. That looks like love but in fact you are interfering with his freedom. He may not need milk; sometimes the child simply cries. The child simply enjoys crying -- that is the only way to express himself. He has no language -- that is his language; he howls, cries. Let him cry -- nothing is wrong in it. He is trying to relate with the world. Don't try to console him; don't immediately give the breast to him.

If he is not hungry, then giving him the breast is like a drug. Mothers use their breasts as a drug. Mm? The child starts drinking, forgets crying and falls asleep. It is comfortable, but you have started trespassing. If he does not want to have the milk -- he is not eager -- leave him. Then he will never need any Primal Therapy. The people who are screaming in Primal Therapy are the people who have been interfered with in their childhood and never allowed to scream. Allow him everything and let him feel that he is himself.

More and more let him feel that he is himself; come less and less in his way. Be a help, nourish him, but let him grow on his own. Even sometimes when you feel that he is going wrong, you are nobody to judge. If he is going wrong, according to you, that is only according to you; that is your opinion. He may not be going wrong. He is not here in this world to follow your opinion. ' And it is very easy to impose your opinions on him because he is helpless. His survival depends on you; he has to listen to you. If you say 'Don't do this', even if he feels like doing it and feels very good doing it, he will have to stop because it is risky to go against you.

The real mother will allow the child so much freedom that even if he wants to go against her opinion, he is allowed. Just make it plain to him 'This is my opinion that this is not right, but you are free to do it.' Let him learn through his own experience; that's how one really becomes mature. Otherwise people remain childish. They grow in age but they don't grow in their consciousness. So their physical age may be fifty and their mind is maybe just eleven, ten, twelve, somewhere there; thirteen is the average mind-age of people.

That means they stop at that time; and that is the average. In that average Albert Einstein and Buddhas and Christs are included. If you think of actual persons, the mind-age is very low. It comes to around seven to eight; somewhere around seven the child stops. Then he never grows; he simply follows. Give your love, share your experience, but never impose anything on him. And then he will grow into a beautiful person.